When your pet gets jealous (of your partner!)

Our tailmates are here with us through thick and thin. But when someone new joins our lives, it can make our best friends a little jealous...

Yes, it’s flattering, but in reality, a pet’s burning jealousy can make things difficult. Thankfully, you're not alone.

Here, we answer what to do if a cat or dog is jealous of your partner, the science behind pet “jealousy” and what to do if you’re the partner in a tailmate triangle.

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Can pets actually feel jealousy?

We’ve covered this before in our article on whether dogs can get jealous, but yes, pets can feel something that’s like human jealousy. While it’s more common in dogs, it’s a behaviour that cats can express, too.

Studies have shown that dogs exhibit aggression and distress when feeling jealous, and while less studied, cats can display behaviours that can be interpreted as jealousy, like anxiety and increased territoriality.

For example, a study in PLOS ONE found that dogs expressed jealousy when their pet parent showed affection to a stuffed dog, and another in Psychological Science reinforced this finding by showing that a pet parent petting a fake dog triggered more emotional reaction than petting an inanimate object.

While pet jealousy isn’t as complex as the human form of it, the emotion still affects our pet’s behaviour...especially if you’re spending more time with your boo than your tailmate.

What does jealousy in pets look like?

In cats

• Appetite changes

• Aggression, like hissing or swatting

• Destructive behaviour like scratching furniture

• Excessive vocalisation

• Reduced interaction or hiding away

• Territorial marking and changes in peeing habits, like not using the litter box

In dogs

• Attention-seeking behaviour

• Changes in eating habits

• Frustration, like nipping or shoving

• Over-the-top, possessive behaviour

• Stress and anxiety

• Toilet habits changing

Why your pet may feel jealous

Pet jealousy can differ from ours because there isn’t always an emotional reason for it; for cats and dogs, it has more to do with routine disruption and access to resources than anything else.

A dog can feel “jealous” due to:

• Pack mentality and territory - Since dogs often view their pet parent as their “leader”, a new member of the pack, like a partner, can upset their view of the order of things.

• Resource guarding - Dogs can see your attention and the support you give them as a resource. When that’s shared with someone else, it can trigger defensiveness.

• Security - If a dog isn’t used to you, they may act more defensive to make sure their pet parent is okay and safe.

• Threatening their social bond - Pets may see a partner as a threat to their social bond with their pet parent.

• Upsetting routine - Changing a dog’s set routine, like a new person hanging out at their home all the time, can cause insecurity and jealousy.

Cats, meanwhile, can feel jealous because of:

• Lack of attention - While cats are often seen as a bit more low-maintenance than their canine cousins, any changes in affection can trigger jealous feelings.

• Resource guarding - Cats can feel like a new partner impacts their access to resources, leading them to act out.

• Routine disruption - Changes to their schedule, home or their routine can cause distress in cats, which may be mistaken for jealousy.

• Territory reasons - Cats are very territorial. A new pet, person or even a new object in their space can trigger defensive behaviour.

The differences between cat and dog jealousy

While cats and dogs can both experience symptoms like jealousy, the motivations behind their jealousy might be different.

A cat’s jealousy tends to be more rooted in insecurity and disruption to their territory, while dogs are driven by resource-guarding and pack dynamics.

When feeling put out, cats tend to show more passive behaviours, like hiding, while dogs express more active behaviours, like physically pushing or nudging.

Six steps to stop jealousy

Make sure attention is fair

Make sure you spend time with your pet and your partner. It doesn’t need to be exact in terms of time, but spend time with your pet doing enrichment activities, exercise, and just hanging out.

In an ideal world, you can pick activities that involve your pet and your partner, like a walk or training. This will help your pet to see your significant other in a positive light.

Establish boundaries

Work on commands like “sit”, “stay” or “calm” to get some space, especially if your pet is forcing themselves between you and your partner.

Use positive reinforcement training to reinforce this, and give your pet some time to get used to these commands and a new person being around.

Don’t accidentally positively reinforce their jealousy

Positive reinforcement is powerful, and it’s a great tool when we want to help our pets learn something new. But it’s important you don’t accidentally positively reinforce behaviours you don’t want, like jealousy.

For example, let’s say every time your partner is over, your dog acts jealous and, in response, you give them a bunch of fuss to calm them down. Over time, you may accidentally positively reinforce this behaviour, as they effectively get a reward every time they act jealous.

Instead you should really focus on any desirable behaviours your pet displays, such as calmly sniffing your partner.

Make sure your pet is exercised and stimulated

Sometimes, what seems like jealousy may just be your pet saying “Hey! I know you’re busy, but I still need my walk/play time!”. Make sure your pet is stimulated and exercised before your partner visits, as their jealousy may just be them expressing something else. Or, better yet, take them for a walk with your partner! A well-exercised pet is more likely to be calm and settled around the house, which can help with behavioural issues.

Introduce changes gradually and make minimal changes to routine

Change is scary for our pets, so it’s important to do things gradually if you can. Instead of moving everything in one go or giving your pet too much face-to-face time with your partner, try to do things gradually over time.

Pets thrive on routine, so try to maintain their set routine as much as possible.

Consider behaviour training if things don’t improve

Sometimes, even if you do everything right, your pet may not adapt to your new partner. In these moments, it’s worth getting a professional opinion and looking into behaviour training or seeing your vet for a check-up - there may be a deeper issue at play.

For the partner: how to win over a jealous pet

Now, it isn’t all just about the pet! If you’re a partner, you can help solve any green-eyed issues, too.

First - don’t fuss too much. By being relaxed and giving your partner’s pet space, you’re sending them signals that you’re safe and a source of comfort and security. Let your partner’s pet come to you in their own time, gently rewarding them when they do. Too much panic or loud enthusiasm can make a dog or cat wary, which we don’t want!

Don’t shower the pet with too much praise or treats - just respect their space and relax. Instead, put effort in by doing things at the pet’s pace, and join your partner when they’re taking them for a walk or playing. You can even try feeding them at meal time, if you like.

The short-term goal isn’t to suddenly become best friends with your partner’s pet (though we’re sure you will be one day). It’s embedding yourself into the pet’s routine gradually so they can get used to you being a human they know, trust and like.

By understanding that this is a big change for your partner’s pet, and approaching the situation with empathy, you can make sure you and the pet can have a healthier, better friendship.

When jealousy becomes aggression: staying safe

In rare cases, jealousy, usually from resource guarding, can lead to aggression. Signs that jealousy is becoming aggressive include:

• Aggressive displays, like growling, snapping or scratching

• Destroying things, like toys or furniture

• Excessive resource guarding, especially near food or the pet parent

• Physical interruptions, like heavily forcing themselves between the partner and pet parent

• Very clingy behaviour

When jealousy escalates into aggression, it’s usually a sign that the emotion has moved on to a mix of anxiety, fear and insecurity. In the short-term, it’s essential to:

• Make sure you, your partner and your pet are safe, like directing your pet to their crate or separating yourself from them.

• Identify what triggered this behaviour, which will be helpful later.

• Avoid punishing or shouting at your pet, as this just makes things worse.

Once things settle down, you must see your vet. Aggression isn’t always a sign of jealousy; there could be something else going on, and your vet can help you navigate the next steps.

Is it jealousy or something else?

Sometimes there is an underlying medical problem contributing to behavioural issues. An animal in pain may be more irritable than usual or react aggressively if handled.

Similarly a pet that is unwell may hide away more and not want to interact with visitors.

These signs could accidentally be interpreted as jealousy vibes. It’s always worth chatting to your vet if you’re struggling with your pet’s behaviour, especially if they are acting out of character.

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Frequently asked questions

Why does my dog growl when I kiss my partner?

This may be jealousy, but it could also be your dog being confused. Over time, this should go away, but if it doesn’t, try not to accidentally positively reinforce your dog’s behaviour and use basic commands to redirect their attention.

Can a cat be "vindictive" toward a new partner?

They can, but it’s rare. Cats are often more discreet than our canine friends, and their jealousy often expresses itself through subtler means, like litter box issues or scratching furniture.

Should I ignore my pet when they act jealous?

Typically, you shouldn’t try to give them too much fuss when they’re acting jealous. This can accidentally reward the behaviour, positively reinforcing it. You should focus on making sure your pet is getting enough exercise, attention and enrichment at other times so that they feel secure.

How long does it take for a pet to accept a new partner?

It varies. For example, a plucky Bichon Frise may act like their best friend on day one, while a seasoned Maine Coon may take a couple of months to warm up to them.

Usually, anywhere from a few weeks to a couple of months is normal, but like us, pets are individuals, so things can vary. But we’re sure if you love your partner, your tailmate (eventually) will too.